In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
