a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
