if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
