How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
