So drunk its hurt
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
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