Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
