he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
