Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
how does that bad decision feel?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
