I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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