at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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