I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Randomize
