Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
