I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Randomize
