Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
