It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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