@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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