You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
