omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
