We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
