WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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