It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
