I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
