Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
