I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
