well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
