I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
