HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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