all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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