I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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