My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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