the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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