69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
