Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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