he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
