well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
