Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
