the condom got lost in my hair
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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