Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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