I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
