It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
