worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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