rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
