That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
