im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
