yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
