I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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