Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm passing your future prison.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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