what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
