ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
