Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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